The end of first year.

Wow, time flies! I can't believe first year is almost over, after my exam tomorrow of course. First year wasn't as much of a roller coaster ride as I thought it would be simply because I just go to school for lectures then go home, I didn't do anything before or after besides going to the gym. So as you can tell, it's very boring and I have reasons for it. At first, I did not want to get close to anyone at my school for various reasons. First, I did not want to get close to anyone because I might be transferring school second year and it's a heartbreak to leave all your friends behind so, I do not want to have heartbreak so I distance myself from people in my school. I know it sounds silly and dumb but I am a person who finds it hard to deal with change. I don't know how to say Good-bye without being depressed for a long time. Second, I have made mistakes before with friends before and I am afraid to make the same mistake again so the safest way is to not make any friends so there is no chance of this happening at all. I am a complicated person and only a few people in my life understands me. Even those few people do not understand me fully, I even don't understand myself. I do wish I was more of a people person and more outgoing but whats holding me back is fear. Sounds hypocritical huh? because I say I live by the word "FEARLESS". Yes that is true but it doesnt come naturally, I am working on it, it takes a long process for me to open up to strangers. Well, why am I mentioning this now? Because my plan did not work out. I have made a few friends and met people in my program who I want to keep a connection with. If I do end up transferring, I do not know how I will deal with leaving the friends I have made throughout this year. Sure, I have them on facebook and can chat with them whenever but it will never be the same as seeing them in class. I will make friends in my new school but it will be another long process of getting to know them. Another thing is, I am liking what I am studying now, it is something different then what I expected and if I transfer, the courses are different. Life is confusing, I am confusing. Can someone please fix me? Many things are in my mind now, from summer school to moving out next year to choosing schools. I wasn't planning on taking summer school until I found out that it's only 6.5 weeks which won't take up my summer at all plus, I didn't take an elective last semester so I probably need a credit to make up for it. Moving out was something I thought of for fun but wasn't something I am serious about until this weekend. My family is getting on my nerves sometimes, especially my annoying sisters. I just want to have freedom and do things on my own without getting annoyed. I have talked to my friends about rooming together next year so if it all works out, I might be residing in Toronto! I still got four months to plan for next year so maybe I should focus on my studying instead of whats ahead. I wish life was as easy as ABC, unfortunately its not, so here comes my skills of problem solving...Not!

Study!Essays!Exams!

My title explains it all. Those are the stuff that is occupying my life right now. Very unfortunate, i know. But I am going to look at the bright side...in less then 2 weeks it will be summer for me! you don't even know how excited I am for the summer. I got so much planned, so much I want to do but still think there's so little time. Life is going by quick, if I don't take the chances now that I am young, I will never achieve anything or be successful. I do have three jobs in mind, which is putting me in a lot of stress because I don't know how I am going to handle all three. Well, two for now but I am applying at one of my favourite clothing store this weekend so if I get that job, I am screwed... No, working is not the only thing I will be doing this summer. My goal is to upgrade myself in as many way as I can. There's is just so much to do and so little time. Take advantage now because in the end, you will regret it and no matter how hard I try, there will be regret that I did not try hard enough. My goal is to reduce that by being active in the community and doing what I love. I have exams this week and the following week, so it's very stressful. Wish me luck in passing everything :)!

Until next time!

My trip to Chicago.

Sorry that it took me a while to post about my trip to Chicago that happened a month ago, 3 days after Christmas. It is funny how im apologizing but no one reads or care in the first place. I'm such a fool. I like to write about my feelings and my experience and my adventures a lot but what I don't like writing is essays, short stories, news paper articles. Too bad I'm stuck in a media studies class where it requires a huge amount of writing. What did I get myself into? I will be getting more when I get accepted to Ryerson next year. Let's not get off topic here... The trip overall was very fun. I got to see Chicago, Detroit and Michigan a bit. In 3 days, there is not a lot you can see or do. I wish I was there longer because I didn't get to see Downtown Chicago (where the bean is). All I did there was shop on Michigan Avenue and went up to John Hancock building, which is like CN tower. I didn't get to spend a lot of time at John Hancock building because my family cares about shopping more. This trip ain't like any other trips I've been to with my family. We went with a tour so time was very important so, my family being as crazy as they are, went shopping like a maniac. I did get a few things here and there but I am lacking in cash so it explains why I didn't get much. I did get two Coach purses which was pretty much I got. I am sort of explaining my trip out of order haha. I spent the first night in Michigan, didn't really do much except shopping at outlets...i was mostly on the bus sleeping. Second day was Chicago. On our way back, we stopped by Henry Ford museum in Detroit. Not going to lie, it was pretty boring, I guess museums aren't my thing. There isn't much to write about my trip really, I had fun but wish it was longer. Also, I realize you don't have as much fun with families then you have with your friends, at least in my perspective. The problem is, I haven't found the right friends to plan a trip because most of them flop or complain about money. If they were serious about it, they would of saved up...I am not rich either but I want to go on a vacation to relax at least once a year. Work hard for 11 months and vacation for 1 month doesn't sound so bad to me. Anyways, life is kind of crazy right now. Hopefully I can handle everything thrown at me and work hard...always my motto :)

Why do you have to put me through such torture?

I don't know how I feel about you anymore.
You make me smile and you make me cry.
I wish you weren't so nice to everybody,
So, I get the hint to slowly drift away,
from the feelings I have for you.
I remember one night,
where I was about to go to bed crying,
but with smallest words from you,
made me fall asleep with a smile on my face.
I wonder what goes through your minds at times.
Am I just some random girl that is grouped with the other ones?
Or am I something special?
If I knew,
I wouldn't be feeling this way.
I am not a desperate girl,
but I would be better off knowing the truth.
You obviously don't know what goes through my mind with I see you,
because if you did,
I know you wouldn't put me through such torture,
by finding out the answer myself.
I can never tell,
from how you act and treat everyone.
I wonder if the mixed feelings I have internally for you,
will ever disappear.
Can it disappear soon enough,
so I don't have to go through the torture any longer.
Seeing you makes my day,
but knowingly that infinite girls chase after you daily,
changes my perspective.
Feelings is something I can't help but feel,
I wish you weren't so nice,
So I know to back away from your life.
Atleast change how you treat each person or me,
so you don't lead people on in the wrong direction.
Which,
I am currently stuck in.
Let love take me where it goes,
hopefully i'll end up in heaven with you.

Start Fresh!

I haven't posted a blog in a while, that is because there was so much going on that I am glad some things ended. I don't work at my retail store anymore which kind of sucks because I can never understand what goes through people's mind when they make decisions, I give my 100% everytime but I guess that wasn't enough...like you get what Im saying? I will never understand and there will never be an explanation. That is life, take the experience and leave it, move on to something better cuz it was obviously not worth it. School starts tomorrow for me so that is a fresh new start I am looking forward to. I got to admit, last semester was pretty bad. My mark was bad and my habit was bad too because everything happened during school. I got my first acting job, my first part-time job, my new volunteer job and i was in the process of upgrading myself all during school so dealing with all those affected my mark dramatically.. Now half of those are gone, I will be able to focus again and work hard to succeed. It is not like im stress-free now, Ryerson essay is priority on my mind right now. I need to get into the program I desire and to complete essays for them to decide will be a pain. Whether I get in or not will change my life. Pressure is ON. I am still doing some acting and hopefully I get more work this month and the following months until I find another stable job to pay off my dance classes, guitar lessons, acting workshops etc. I do spend a lot, that's why a job is important to me. My agent said there will be lots of jobs coming soon so I am definitely looking forward to all that.

I am glad I have close friends around me and supporting me through all these changes in my life. I know who my true friends are and I will never let them down. Thank you for helping me.

I am frustrated with life right now. 2010 is not starting off too good. Hopefully, it will get better throughout the year. I have a feeling it will and I will keep that positive vibe up. All I am focusing now is school, dance, guitar, gym and getting into auditions. I like to start fresh starting tomorrow with school and seeing my friends afterwards then dance class. Maybe that will make me feel better.

:)

THAT girl

I'm that girl who never gets invited to parties.
I'm that girl who invites herself to parties at times.
I'm that girl that people don't really care about.
I'm that girl that's not special enough for you.
I'm that girl that carries a smile no matter what happens.
I'm that girl that is being used.
I'm that girl that constantly struggles to fit in.
I'm that girl that strives for success.
I'm that girl that that sit at home alone on new years eve.

If I wasn't THAT girl, I wouldn't be who I am.
I would be more fake but I rather not...

Happy New Year! Bring in 2010 :)

So I decided to write a blog on new years because I have nothing else better to do at this time. You see, Last year, I was doing the exact same thing...so why didn't I change it up? Many obstacles got in the way one of them being none of my friends are doing anything, for the ones that are didn't invite me. Second, I worked on new years eve and new years day, I think it's my punishment for taking off boxing day and the 2 days after that for going to Chicago. Speaking of Chicago, I will post a separate blog on that adventure. So today, I worked and went out to dinner with my family and after that I stayed home and watched Rockin' Eve. I do feel depressed staying home when everyone is out but I also think of it positively because I wouldn't want to stay out in a cold and cluster phobic environment either. So whats my problem? haha I sometime complain too much, even ask my manager at work :P!! One of my new year resolution is promising myself that next year I will not do the same thing on new years eve because that would be 3 years consecutively doing the same thing, I kind of need a life!

For some reason, I am addicted to Christmas music right now, especially Taylor Swift's Christmas CD....my favourite song is "Christmas must be something more" that song has been on repeat for hours now. Christmas is over but it never hurts to keep the spirit up. :)

p.s. TEAM CANADA!!!